My Simply Complicated Life

Welcome to the blog of an ordinary mother who sometimes just might have something extraordinary to say

Monday, February 28, 2011

Like Sands Thru the Hourglass...

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.  The ticking of my life's clock is exceptionally loud today.  Not for any particular reason (don't worry, I'm not on my death bed or anything); simply because I am dwelling on it.  I may not remember much about my early youth but I do recall the rush to grow up.  Becoming an adult had such a sense of urgency when I was an adolescent.  For me, it meant freedom and everything I wished for in life becoming a reality.  Little did I know that you're never really free nor do you get everything you dream of. 

Ultimately, we have freedom in several aspects such as "freedom of speech" or "freedom of religion" (thankfully) as well as other choices we are each entitled to.  Sure, we have the choice as to whether to work (unlike school, where it is a requirement to attend either public, private or home school); however, as adults, if we were to choose not to work, we would subsequently be destitute (unless we had gullible parents who allowed us to mooch on them forever).  For most of us, we cannot afford the luxury of being unemployed (and if you're married, I am referring to both parties being unemployed as I know many families who are able to live comfortably  or at least survive off of one income).  Therefore, we technically do not have freedom to come and go as we please unless of course we sacrifice a stable home and many of our daily staple of necessities.  As a student, I felt trapped but in reality, your education at least culminates with graduation after 13 or so years; whereas, employment only ends with retirement which sadly can take 50 years to achieve. 

As for reaching all of your dreams, that too is something that can be accomplished either by setting realistic expectations or working so hard that once again you are making sacrifices.  I had two dreams that I was extremely passionate about: 1) becoming a mother and 2) living in Manhattan as a magazine editor.  Although there are likely many magazine editors that juggle their career with a family of their own, it was not ideal for me to mesh my two dreams together.  I sacrificed my dream job for the dream that held much higher value and weight which was to start a family.  I have absolutely NO regrets!  However, I am guilty of skimming through the pages of Cosmo and daydreaming about what my life could have been like had I pursued that pathway but then I look at two of the most beautiful faces I've ever seen (R and P) and in an instant, I know I am right where I should be! 

As I watch time slip through my fingers with my oldest daughter approaching four and my youngest on the verge of one, I cannot help but fall into a fog.  Where has the time gone?  I feel like I literally laid down for a nap after school one day, only to wake up as a wife and mother of two creeping towards thirty.  My friend Tanya telling me "you're only 12" when I desperately wished to be 18 still rings in my ears as if I'm a pre-teen with a push-up bra all over again.  I guess I got what I wanted - I blinked my way into adulthood.  Yay for me! 

Now, I can only hope and pray that my girls relish in the days of their youth.  They will never have that innocence or carefree spirit again.  In a few short years, they will be crying on my shoulder about feeling so limited or sheltered and wanting to explore the world.  If only my words and experience were enough to assure them that they will have plenty of time to be all grown up and instead to enjoy every passing moment of their precious younger years.  Before they know it, they too will be mommies cringing at the thought of how time flies.  I wish there were a bottle that could contain my favorite things about each of them.  I wish R would say "tookies" instead of "cookies" forever and make up her own words to all of her favorite songs instead of singing the actual lyrics.  I want P to always laugh like Beavis (or Butthead - I'm not quite sure which one it is) and to put the dishrag over her face for an impromptu game of "Where's the baby?" until she's 85.  Sadly, there is no way to hold onto those amazing quirks that I cherish so deeply.  In fact, in a few years, I may have to look back at this blog to be reminded of them.

Thankfully, barring any unforeseen occurence, my lifespan currently consists of more time.  Time I plan to use towards soaking up my beautiful family, as they are, each second of the day.  If my daughter wants me to carry her in my arms even though she is a bonafide "big girl," I will do so because before I know it - she will be a teenager pushing me away or locking me out of her room.  And if my 11 month old refuses to show interest in walking, I am not going to rush her because in the snap of a finger - she will be a blushing bride walking down the aisle. 

I am hanging on to one more dream - that my babies never take their childhood for granted.  There is no counter-clockwise in life...

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